emptiness

Trigger warning: suicide

Empty is life without someone that you gave your all to.

I've heard of stories of people killing themselves because they couldn't let go of someone dear who died. They were desperate to just meet them, here or there, in heaven, or hell if they did stupid things together in life.

I never understood their reasoning. I always felt, you have someone with you, always. And there's always some sort of support, because humanity is not lost.

I realised it now, it's actually not the support or just any human presence you feel the need for, it's that same particular person. No other person, dog, cat or a cloth that belonged to your loved one can take you out of the empty space left from that loved one's departing.

I don't let go. I hold tight. And that makes me a very evident victim of this emptiness.

Losing you wasn't something I predicted. In fact, no one saw me leaving you anytime in my lifetime. It was a wave of pure thunderous clouds that struck and there I was, left with just emptiness.

I sit in my room, listening to music, and surprisingly, the lyrics seem to fit right. They fit the space you occupied. They don't remind me of you, they are you. I don't find solace in them, I hold them tight for my life.

I walk through the roads you carried me, they don't take me back to when you were mine, they pull me from falling into the empty depth of your loss.

I stare at spaces we filled with our memories. My hands in yours, your hands in mine. My face in the cavity of your neck and shoulder, your hands in my cavity of anxiety and lost hope. 

You in white, you in black, you in colour, you, you transparent. There's no body, no person, no nothing. It's just a thought of you. An eerie presence of you in my mind, body and presence. 

We made promises, that are very obviously broken now. But I keep them in a pocket I found in someone else's heart. That's wrong, I know. It's just a sigh, that I can smile at them still. Million pieces that shine bright and hide the sun that should be guiding me. For I was the sunflower and you were my sky. 

I cry every now and then and remember how you would have done anything to make me smile. I smile every now and then and remember how you would have done anything to ruin it for me. Both of these things, make me happy. That's stupid? That was my love.

I still wonder things you wondered. I still love things you loved. I still say things you said. I still feel things you taught me. I still believe in things you wanted. I still crave your presence, I craved it right after I let you go, I craved it while I was letting you go, I craved it while there was no letting go, I craved it even before you existed. 

And just how there's another day, to light the dark sky after every other night, I know, my emptiness will be filled, yet again, with something that's you. Someone who's not you and somehow gets me to feel you. 

I die everyday, hoping it will end the emptiness. It doesn't, it expands it. I break a little everytime you don't speak up when I want you to. And those little pieces, keep expanding to create emptinesses that don't seem to stop hurting. It's true, a person's loss isn't so much as your own life. But losing you, was beyond, it was losing me. 

An abundance of words for someone who wouldn't read this, wouldn't open my name and send me a message, wouldn't ask me to come and hug him tight. And that, just, added to the emptiness a little more.